Rejecting Rejection

Rejecting rejection… It is constantly on my mind. When I’m writing, walking my dog, grocery shopping, eating… Why?

Did something happen in my childhood to create this alter ego that’s sensitive to being judged and shunned? Is it about fitting in? Approval? Belonging? Does this have to do with that girl in 5th grade who… I need to figure this out! Not for me, but for my daughter. I have enough to deal with…like my closet overflowing with skeletons!

Parenting Rejection

My husband and I raised two sons. They serve in the military at the moment. We are proud of the men they’ve become, and we are enjoying this season of watching them mature as their brain continues to form fully! Our advice to them before they do anything permanent is, “Wait for your prefrontal cortex to form!” Click here for information about the adolescent brain. Our oldest did not heed our advice and got several tattoos at age 21, but whatever! At least his prefrontal cortex was formed enough to choose pretty tattoos.

However, our daughter is still home with us. I’m trying to raise her to have her own brain, trust her instincts, and be an independent thinker in a world that sends chaotic messages to girls about who they should be.

Christianity in Bible Belt

I’ve identified some areas in my life that might also make McKinley’s battle against rejection difficult. Here are three:

1. My daughter is…well, my daughter. I’ve unknowingly modeled behavior for her over the years, sending the wrong message because of my insecurities. Messages about looks, weight, relationships… I hope she has not felt rejected by me, but I’m sure she’s heard me talk about myself negatively, which sets a bad example.
2. We live in the Bible Belt, where you must be NICE no matter what. I love the South and wouldn’t want to live elsewhere. However, being a Christian woman in the South is the gravy on the recipe for codependence. We grow up believing other people are more important, and validating them should validate us. It’s easy to feel rejected when everyone else is more important, and you can never please them, but you have to act like it doesn’t bother you because you have to be nice all the time. (Whew!) Here is an article from Psychology Today about the dangers of girls being taught to “be nice.”
3. Last, and perhaps the area I’m most concerned about, is that she’s a Christian. (STAY WITH ME.) I feel so much false guilt as a Christian, and I don’t want her to feel it too. I’m a PK, so I grew up in the church, where I learned a lot of bad theology (ironically). The messages that stuck with me are that I don’t deserve what God did by sending Jesus, I don’t deserve the grace I get through Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection, and I’m always and forever a sinner, so I should be ashamed of myself. Those things are true. And yet, because of my unhealthy lenses, I’ve twisted them. A healthy Christian would walk away from those truths feeling accepted and full of gratitude for what God did. But I feel shame and guilt for being a terrible sinner unworthy of being saved. God didn’t reject me, but I sure feel like he should’ve.

Is there a cure?

Is there a cure for the chronic fear of rejection? If there is, I haven’t found it. I’ve had therapy and all that jazz. It helped. But there is no real fix, so I’m stuck trying to rewire my thinking – or literally rewrite it if you will. But does my daughter have to fear rejection? Unequivocally, no! I get to coach her to face rejection, get up in its face, and say, “You don’t own me! My appearance doesn’t define me. I don’t have to please people to find happiness. And finally, I am grateful to God that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” BOOM! 💥

Coaching McKinley to be ok with rejection is complex, and I don’t always get it right. But I am committed to figuring it out because I understand what the damage of fearing rejection can do.

It’s an incredible thing how God utilizes my passion for my daughter as a way to nudge me away from the fear of rejection. I might not have learned to reject rejection as a little girl, but fortunately, God hasn’t abandoned coaching me. I guess I’m just a slow learner.

See how McKinley coached me in this article, Panty Shame.