I’m that guy.

Do you remember in The Walking Dead when that guy threw his friend to the zombies so he could survive… Horrible, right? I’m that guy. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I know. How on earth… But that’s me. I’ve done it. Ok, it wasn’t in a zombie apocalypse. Worse – it was in real life. And to make it worse than worse – I did it to my BFF.

Survival – Is It Worth It

I’m a survivor. Trauma, abuse, neglect, addiction, blah blah blah…I survived. I used to boast about being a survivor. That was before I found out that being a survivor isn’t always peachy. It’s actually really messy. (See my story about It’s ok to not be ok.)

Perhaps like me, you thought that if you could make it through another day, you could clean up whatever happened yesterday, later. “Just.Get.Through.Today.” But today is now ‘later,’ and though you survived, you’re empty, disillusioned, and faced with how your survival harmed those you love. You survived, but you left a hot mess back there. Now what?

Guilt vs. Shame

There is a fine line between feeling guilty for surviving and feeling shame for surviving.

Guilt is – “Wow, I feel bad I did that to survive. How did I get to that point? Thank you, God, for your grace and mercy when I was in the middle of my crisis and made a terrible decision!“

Shame is – “Wow, I feel bad for surviving. God, why did you die for me? I must make it another day, feeling like I’m not worth saving. When will I be set free of the worthlessness I feel? I’ve got an idea. I’ll do something, so I won’t feel…“

Guilt is necessary for my journey. It allows remorse and change to occur. In contrast, shame is toxic. It keeps me bound to old habits and addictions, which put me back into my “how can I survive today” cycle.

Go here for another blog about shame.

Back to The Walking Dead…

As I said earlier, I’m that guy. I threw my friend to the zombies so I could get away. I even shot him in the leg, so he would fall, so zombies could devour him while I ran like hell. It was him or me. I decided to save myself… But how am I going to explain this to my friends? 🫣

I’ll head back to the group and tell them what I did… They will understand. They’ve been there. They would’ve done the same thing.

No, I won’t be admitting what I did. What I did was unforgivable! I’ll probably begin another survival cycle by lying about what happened. Don’t judge. That’s the only way I will be accepted back into the group. I need the group for survival in the zombie-infested world I’m stuck in. I can lie to them because I need to in order to survive…

And so the cycle continues.

Must there be a victim?

Did I really have to harm someone else to make it out alive? Did it have to be him or me? Perhaps in The Walking Dead. But I’ve discovered that I don’t have to live that way in real life. I don’t have to be a victim or create a victim.

When I feel desperate – not sure I will survive another step, let alone another day – I have options that can move me away from my “it’s him or me” mode.

Quit judging myself.
Admit, I’m struggling. (Repent)
Ask for help.
Forgive me and those who hurt me.
Take care of myself through diet, exercise, and meditation.
Trust God.
Trust the process.
Replace my old ways with new (healthy) coping mechanisms.

It costs less to heal…

I’m not saying it’s easy.

But get this – it costs less to heal than to continue the
cycle of surviving and despising the survivor.

Self-loathing is destructive. It will keep you in your negative survival cycle. And it WILL cost you and those you love. At the very least, it will cost you serenity, relationship, and joy. There is a better way!

Get help.

It starts with understanding that you’re not alone, there is help, and you can find it. And though it will take time, with practice, you can do it.

It’s not easy. But let’s face it, being ‘that guy‘ – – the one who survives by selfishly sacrificing others and then hating himself- – isn’t any easier. Take it from someone who knows.