I’m Going On A Bear Hunt to Find Myself

I wanted to write a children’s book. For years!
I collected popular children’s books like Guess How Much I Love You, and I’ll Love You Forever and read them to my college friends.

They must have really loved me to listen. 🙂

Day after day, I thought, “I have so many children’s book ideas. Someone will eventually see that my material has potential if I can just get the stories written.

At least the potential to sell. Maybe not a best seller, but sell…”

Twenty-some years later, a wise sage (my husband) said, “I believe in you. Let’s do it. Let’s publish one of your ideas.”

However, he also told me:

“I don’t think that will be enough. You won’t be satisfied. You’ll continue to say, If I can just… and you’ll have one more thing you think you have to do to succeed.”

I didn’t know whether to address the “Let’s do this” or the “This will not make you happy” comment.

I went with “Let’s do this” with high hopes the other would become moot.

Long story short: Alan was right.

I HATE IT when that happens. 😐

We published my book: The Day the Pumpkin Flew
It is super cute — — the illustrations are amazing (done by the one and only Connie Houston). The story is meaningful. You can read about how I came up with the idea below.

A Married Couple, an Argument & a Pumpkin on a Planter

But unfortunately, after a month, “If I can just…” came back, just like Alan predicted.

Turns out that publishing the book wasn’t the problem! Disappointing on so many levels…
First, I felt like a failure because my book didn’t sell as many copies as I’d hoped. 😒

Second, I felt shame. Sure, because the book didn’t do as well as I’d hoped. But more because I could see myself “if I can just-ing…” again.

If I can just get my website up, do more school visits, and go to book fairs…I’ll sell more books and be happy. I’ll achieve fulfillment. 😶‍🌫️

But will I? Will I ever fulfill my desire for success?

The truth? No.
Here’s what I recently discovered about myself: I’m the problem.

I’m not successful because I’m too attached to being unsuccessful.
I know, right? Now what?

Sucks to be me…unless I change.

But changing is a lot of work! Plus, I’ve been this way for a minute or two, so change ain’t going to come easy.

How do I know this is the problem?
Funny thing… I started writing this post weeks ago, but I got stuck.

Innately, I knew the “problem” of never becoming who I wanted to be was me. Yet, I couldn’t identify exactly what about me was problematic.

So I went on a bear hunt… And this is what I found:

That’s me as a bear.

I have all the potential in the world to achieve beast mode. The problem is I think too much. And I don’t think happy thoughts.

To be honest, I think about how I’ve been slighted…all the time.

For instance, if I’m the bear above, I’m thinking, “How did I get here? I’m not doing anything. I have no future…”

When I could be thinking,

“This is awesome! I have a place to call home; I have food, safety, and people who love me and support me. I’m fat and happy. Life is good!”

Full disclosure: I found more than just a bear on my hunt.
On my bear hunt, I also found some information about my Enneagram type, which gave me some much-needed perspective.

I’m a 4w5, which describes me well, although I fluctuate between the 3 and 5 wings.

You can find out more about the Enneagram personality test at The Enneagram Institute.

In short, it’s a system of analyzing personality types for self-growth.

However, businesses are jumping on board to understand employees and build more productive teams.

Read more about that at Integrative 9 Enneagram Solutions.

Here’s my takeaway: I have to shift my focus from my past to being present. Read that carefully.
It’s hard not to focus on my past because I’ve overcome a lot. It’s actually my “claim to fame,” if you will. I’m proud of it.

Yet I don’t want to have crisis after crisis so I can overcome it!

Nevertheless, it’s difficult being present because I presently don’t have anything to be proud of.

And a 4 needs something to be proud of to avoid the shame of having nothing to be proud of. Which is why we look for crises to overcome.

Who else is ready to change?
What about you? Have you ever wondered why you can’t get past yourself? Why you stay in a perpetual cycle of “If I can just…then I’ll be happy?”

Let’s go on a bear hunt together. But not to kill the bear. Just to remind the bear how sweet life is in present time, right where we are.

Like this bear who finds joy in every situation:

What do you do when you find out the problem isn’t the problem; the problem is really you? Start with a bear hunt.

Find out what kind of bear you are. If you’re a bear who sits and thinks too much about the past, choose to be different. Grab a pot of honey and savor every sweet bite of right now. It’s the best kind of gift you can give yourself – – the present.